i don’t really know how to phrase any of the things i’m feeling right now and up until recently i didn’t even have a name for this kind of…. frustration?
we exchange long looks in every bad dream i have.
it always starts off as a summer’s afternoon, one i might have known but here, there are birds fleeing from the horizon, the distinct smell of burning, the floor unsure beneath my feet. and yet, even when you come as a beast with cold eyes, bristling with thorns and venom in your jaws, no dreams are as terrible as the ones when you return to me once again a boy, exactly how you looked when we first met. i could be wrong, though. the sea spills over the edge of the world here, walls melt beneath my fingers and we sit in impossible gardens together, holding hands until i awaken. a strange creature lingers, filling me with fear and with a terrible hope.
i wake up, your name thick and heavy in my throat.
i feel so restless. usually around this time of year i’m getting ready to take off somewhere…
i wonder how long it’ll be before i can leave this place behind for good?
welp i’m going to be quitting my job soon, it’s been really taking a toll on my emotional well-being and i really don’t think i should suffer here any longer than i have to. as much as i would like to continue working, i feel like i should give myself a break after working non stop at various part time jobs for the last 4 years and going to school non stop for 6 semesters…. hhh…. i don’t know how i do it sometimes u_u
there’s been some stupid stuff that’s been dredged up from a couple years ago and it’s bothering me more than i would like it to so. man. i really need to get away from these people.
i can’t quite put a finger on why it is, but i’ve been feeling really homesick for my grandmother’s house in korea. i don’t want to go back to korea for a whole mess of reasons but i wish i could afford to stay there for a few months, spend some time with her and wander around in the streets aimlessly again. i feel like i should go there and i don’t know why, i don’t want to go because if i go there bk is there and the rest of my mom’s side of the family and uGH. maybe if i watch enough korean movies i’ll stop missing it u_u
on a brighter note, i’ve finally started reading game of thrones and i’ve been liking it so far! i’m really glad i have a e-reader so i don’t have to lug that massive brick around with me, haha.
if anyone ever happens to stumble across my twitter i have a handy guide for you:
1) close the brower
2) do not press “follow”
3) if you have already pressed “follow”, do not panic, you can still press “unfollow”*
4) close your laptop, step away from your desk and go outside. it’s nice outside.
*if for any reason you do not press the “unfollow” button, be prepared to see: incessant crying, hysterical laughing, copious amounts of references to white boys in movies and musicals and occasionally, entire walls of korean text
write me a letter from seoul, attach the photograph you’ve been carrying around in your wallet with a note saying that you had this developed a long time ago, but it had always slipped your mind to give it to me. it’d be a photo of us from years ago, one that i would have never seen before. don’t tell me if or when you’ll be coming back.
instead, write me a letter from jeju island. ask me to come join you, tell me how warm it is there, how you ate all an entire box of oranges in one sitting and ask me if i can smell it on the paper. tell me about the ocean, tell me how we’ll be sitting by the beach splitting a bottle of wine until the sun comes up. tell me about all the places you’ll take me.
write me from the streets side cafes of hongdae, maybe you’ll have made a friend. maybe you’ll write to tell me that the restaurant i told you to visit is no longer there, and no longer is the record shop i used to frequent for weeks. tell me how quickly things change in korea, and how time flows and feels differently. tell me that it’s wearing you down and that you’re thinking of coming home soon.
tell me you’re coming home soon.
my desires now wear a single face
answering to a single name